But just to start off, has anyone heard that new Nelly Furtado Song, "Promiscuous"? I hate club scenes, but goddamn that beat has been making me grind against air. Gotta get out more...
Anyways, just to recap. Backed into an old, yet parked van last month. Later that same week, a woman took my right-of-way in the rain and I hydroplaned into her, destroying my left headlight. The second accident has basically been taken care of and cleared by the insurance company (our rate didn't rise as it wasn't my fault). The car is old, so we got back little to fix it (it would cost less to buy another one of the same model and year than it would be to get the thing fixed).
Meanwhile, the guy I hit first has been waiting patiently for his car to be fixed (and as such since its only a "small" dent... although of course its small to the person who MADE it, LOL!) and I figured that I could use that money from the second accident and pool it into the first. Problem solved.
Except the car, nor the insurance is in my name. And the step-father wants to keep that money since I now have a job and have gotten a little cash from the bio-dad.
And I'm pissed.
The thing is, I know its not my money. I know I'm not entitled to the cash legally in any way. And the guy did get his friend from his auto parts job to do it for basically half the price of going to an actual body shop. And that I'm not his kid... so that's enough, I guess. He pays the bills and has been footing the bill (financially) for me... almost ten years now.
But I'm still pissed. I'm pissed because he never said it to my face that he was gonna keep that money after I came to dude about putting it on the first accident (although he did do a good job of evading the questions and leaving it all in the "gray"). Also the fact that if I was my sister, then it wouldn't be a question about where that money would have went.
But I'm not his bio-kid. Really, I wouldn't want to be. But I think it hurts because its one of those rare times when a person who hasn't had that "other parent" and they've gone so long without him/her that when you do realize it, or notice that void, it hurts. I can go throughout my whole days, months, even a year without that void being obvious because you just get used to it. Hell, really you can't get used to something you never had.
I talk to bio-dad but... he's sick.
He's a crackhead. Point blank. Ain't gonna lie. His thoughts are here and there. He curses more than anyone should around their kids for no reason whatsoever (I mean, getting the" motherfucking remote" and handing him the "fucking mop", weren't really the problem at all). He forgets everything he promises (like stopping by, or that money to help me out through college... mainly the last bit). And I can't tell if he's fuckin high or not 'cause he's been doing the shit for so long that even when he isn't, he's still jittery, hard to follow or understand, and easily agitated.
Plus I don't like the way he depicts his other sons. Yeah, they are dong some fucked up shit but he can write them off so easily. I don't know them at all, but I don't like to hear that stuff sometimes... if I fucked up, would he write me off? And since he wasn't there to help in raising them, should he judge?
And I think that's why I'm so hesitant about letting him in my life or calling him back when he calls with panicked messages. I really don't need a father (my mom rocked as a parent, even when she sucked)... but I'll be damned if I have to skip the part where dude took care of me just to get to the point where its my responsibility to take care of him. I don't want that, and yet I already feel guilty sometimes.
Guilty and angry that I don't have a father to back me up like that. And even though I know I have no reason to be all moody and whiny, and I know that I hit the car and no one else should be made to pay for it...
It'd be nice to have another guy go, "Hey, I'll help you" without the annoying duty of taking care of someone else brat due to marriage obligations, or guilt of years of neglect , or some warped sense of pride because one of your spawns isn't in jail or selling drugs.
So yeah I'm pissed and I'm even more pissed that I can't out-think my emotions when I pride myself on being able to while everyone else around me falls prey to them.
Stupid fucking feelings.
Has anyone seen that picture of that angsty kid sitting in the High School hallway and the caption above him says "I'm Going to go home and Listen to Linkin park!!!!"
I swear, this post needs that picture.